Over Due

If only it was just the blog I was feeling over due on...
The truth is, I've been feeling like I can't keep up with much of anything these days. School, my relationship, the chores, the bills, the things we just pretend aren't happening... out of sight, out of mind, right? Not exactly responsible. But it almost feels like, "what the hell am I supposed to do about it?" I'm only one person and let's face it, Ben's even worse than I am about getting, being, or staying organized with all this crap. sigh....
It's not really all that bad. The majority of those nasty hormones are finally out of my body!! I'm starting to feel human again. After so many, many years of battling with my inner demons, I can see the light, and I feel it too :). That's nice. My patience and anger control? Well, at least I feel like I stand a chance now, and that's a lot more than I've ever been able to say before.
And while our relationship isn't perfect, no ones is. But somehow we've made it through the past four years and finally feel like we are where we want to be. Engaged!! The right step in the right direction, it's fantastic. And the communication? We get better at it all the time. Now if we could just figure out that pesky anger thing...
Luke is the smartest kid ever. Every day he says something to us that blows us away and makes us laugh. He is developing a slight jealous bone with his sister. I think the novelty is starting to wear off and the reality that every ounce of our attention can't always be his is starting to set in. Which is ok, we're all learning to spread the love around. He gets bigger every day and breaks my heart by reminding me that my baby boy is gone forever. However, he also makes me so proud by showing me what a truly amazing man he's going to grow up and be.
And my little chunk of love? What's to say? I am in love. She is my best friend. That incredible smile lights up your whole heart. She's learning to crawl, she says "dah", she LOVES to eat. In fact, if we dare to sit down to a meal while she's awake, she does not hesitate to let us know that she would like to join us. So she's also trying new foods every day. She adores her brother and is a fanatic about his toys. I think she's stolen all of our hearts, there's no hope for us now.
All and all, life for us Creechers (ok, I'm still a "soon-to-be") is really starting to look up. Now, if only I didn't feel like a little girl trapped in a big girls world...

What should have started as a productive morning & leading to a productive day is sputtering to something much less satisfying...
Some days it really feels like we are NOT giving it all we've got. & lately, it seems we spend more days like that than otherwise. Maybe my expectations are slightly super-standard but even so. It looks like our life keeps going & we've chosen to sit here & watch it happen, do nothing & what? Wait for it to self destruct? Typical.
The worst part is knowing how well we bring each other down. The terrifying part is the realization that in 4 years we haven't done a very good job of supporting each other in much of anything productive or healthy. We don't encourage each other or work as a team. That was all we ever wanted. 3 & 1/2 years ago we said we were such a great team & we were gonna make amazing things happen. & here we are, butting heads, bickering about bull s#*t, resenting each other for anything we can think of... & I thought figuring it out was the hard part. It isn't. We've spent the last 4 years talking, screaming, crying, & fighting it out to come to this point & even after discovering what we feel is our basic problem, we can't pick ourselves up & move on from this point.
I guess the fact that we want to says something... right?
We truly do make each other happy (at least half the time). & I know that we are both proud to say we have 2 beautiful & magnificent children together. & when we do work as a team amazing things are bound to happen. & we both desperately want to spend the rest of our lives finding new ways to smile & be in love. Can't help lovin that man of mine, after all.
If only things could be simple & stress free again. Like they were 4 years ago when all I knew was that I wanted to be close to him & I wanted him to want me near too. I guess I'm just hoping we make it past the rough parts because they never stop coming. Here's hoping we figure ourselves & each other out before we do too much damage in the meantime.

another day...

She finally went to sleep! It's a miracle, after about a week of not napping, she naps. & just for fun, she didn't scream first. Holy crap, maybe this will be a great day after all.
Ben has not worked all week. Not for any fault of his own, there's just no work to do. But that will make a girl worry. The truth is, though, we always find a way. It's been almost 4 years together, 3 & 1/2 since we knew we'd be parents, 3 since we've been on our own & almost 3 since we became parents. & it never fails, we always make it work.
Wow, 4 years, it's like a dream. Like I'm watching someone elses life. Having made it this far together, after all the break ups & bs, heartache and hell we put each other through, well, it makes me think I can do anything. We've inspired me. & I'm so proud! Based on what I've seen, even 4 short years is quite an accomplishment these days. & the best part? Knowing it doesn't end here. Knowing that if we could make it 4 years, we will make it the next 50 we're planning on. God knows we didn't plan any of this! lmao Isn't it beautiful? The way God's plan works out & gives you everything you ever dreamed of? I'm a pretty lucky girl :)