What should have started as a productive morning & leading to a productive day is sputtering to something much less satisfying...
Some days it really feels like we are NOT giving it all we've got. & lately, it seems we spend more days like that than otherwise. Maybe my expectations are slightly super-standard but even so. It looks like our life keeps going & we've chosen to sit here & watch it happen, do nothing & what? Wait for it to self destruct? Typical.
The worst part is knowing how well we bring each other down. The terrifying part is the realization that in 4 years we haven't done a very good job of supporting each other in much of anything productive or healthy. We don't encourage each other or work as a team. That was all we ever wanted. 3 & 1/2 years ago we said we were such a great team & we were gonna make amazing things happen. & here we are, butting heads, bickering about bull s#*t, resenting each other for anything we can think of... & I thought figuring it out was the hard part. It isn't. We've spent the last 4 years talking, screaming, crying, & fighting it out to come to this point & even after discovering what we feel is our basic problem, we can't pick ourselves up & move on from this point.
I guess the fact that we want to says something... right?
We truly do make each other happy (at least half the time). & I know that we are both proud to say we have 2 beautiful & magnificent children together. & when we do work as a team amazing things are bound to happen. & we both desperately want to spend the rest of our lives finding new ways to smile & be in love. Can't help lovin that man of mine, after all.
If only things could be simple & stress free again. Like they were 4 years ago when all I knew was that I wanted to be close to him & I wanted him to want me near too. I guess I'm just hoping we make it past the rough parts because they never stop coming. Here's hoping we figure ourselves & each other out before we do too much damage in the meantime.

another day...

She finally went to sleep! It's a miracle, after about a week of not napping, she naps. & just for fun, she didn't scream first. Holy crap, maybe this will be a great day after all.
Ben has not worked all week. Not for any fault of his own, there's just no work to do. But that will make a girl worry. The truth is, though, we always find a way. It's been almost 4 years together, 3 & 1/2 since we knew we'd be parents, 3 since we've been on our own & almost 3 since we became parents. & it never fails, we always make it work.
Wow, 4 years, it's like a dream. Like I'm watching someone elses life. Having made it this far together, after all the break ups & bs, heartache and hell we put each other through, well, it makes me think I can do anything. We've inspired me. & I'm so proud! Based on what I've seen, even 4 short years is quite an accomplishment these days. & the best part? Knowing it doesn't end here. Knowing that if we could make it 4 years, we will make it the next 50 we're planning on. God knows we didn't plan any of this! lmao Isn't it beautiful? The way God's plan works out & gives you everything you ever dreamed of? I'm a pretty lucky girl :)