What should have started as a productive morning & leading to a productive day is sputtering to something much less satisfying...
Some days it really feels like we are NOT giving it all we've got. & lately, it seems we spend more days like that than otherwise. Maybe my expectations are slightly super-standard but even so. It looks like our life keeps going & we've chosen to sit here & watch it happen, do nothing & what? Wait for it to self destruct? Typical.
The worst part is knowing how well we bring each other down. The terrifying part is the realization that in 4 years we haven't done a very good job of supporting each other in much of anything productive or healthy. We don't encourage each other or work as a team. That was all we ever wanted. 3 & 1/2 years ago we said we were such a great team & we were gonna make amazing things happen. & here we are, butting heads, bickering about bull s#*t, resenting each other for anything we can think of... & I thought figuring it out was the hard part. It isn't. We've spent the last 4 years talking, screaming, crying, & fighting it out to come to this point & even after discovering what we feel is our basic problem, we can't pick ourselves up & move on from this point.
I guess the fact that we want to says something... right?
We truly do make each other happy (at least half the time). & I know that we are both proud to say we have 2 beautiful & magnificent children together. & when we do work as a team amazing things are bound to happen. & we both desperately want to spend the rest of our lives finding new ways to smile & be in love. Can't help lovin that man of mine, after all.
If only things could be simple & stress free again. Like they were 4 years ago when all I knew was that I wanted to be close to him & I wanted him to want me near too. I guess I'm just hoping we make it past the rough parts because they never stop coming. Here's hoping we figure ourselves & each other out before we do too much damage in the meantime.